So in a fit of insomnia I decided to google my screen name and what do I find? My old LJ! Hooray!

So, um...wow. There is quite the rollercoaster ride of emotions and madness on here huh? Should I delete them in the event that someone checks me out? Nah. That is my past....it is a part of me as much as my present is.

For those who happen across this....yes, I am doing much better. I have not drunk myself into oblivion, driven into any more walls, or killed anyone. I am improving myself, living for the sake of living, and enjoying life when I can. I have dated successfully, had relationships with various levels of emotion, and repaired most f that damaged self esteem. Do I feel sad sometimes? sure. Do I wonder how things could have been? of course. Do I lament my lot in life? not really. Am I happy? I can actually say yes....I am happy to a  certain degree.  Sure I would love it if my debts were paid (damn single income family), I could travel (damn single income!), and I was married to Zooey Deschanel (damn singl...oh wait, nevermind). Alas, I deal with things as they come but they do get dealt with.

Good for me.

So, yeah...things are good, and getting better all the time. I plan on starting off 30 with a bang and going strong thereafter.

Well LJ its been great catching up...I'll see you again in a few months or a year. we'll see how I am doing then.

-me

hmmm....
Do you ever get that feeling in deep inside your ribcage? That cold shaking feeling? You can almost feel your insides die. The Day is fast approaching.....and for some reason all i can think of is putting "Get fucked up" on my calendar. I knew this was gonna be hard, but as the day approaches I seem to underestimate how bad i am gonna be. Keeping busy doesn't work. I don't want to hang out. I don't want to go out. I don't want to stay in. I want to weep, to rage, to scream at the heavens, to take God by the collar and shake him "What is Fuckin' wrong with you!".

I am supposed to move on, I am supposed to pick up and put my life back together, I am supposed to dust myself off and deal.

Having trouble with that. Don't misunderstand....I don't want her back, Gods NO! One can only have their hearts torn out, chewed up and spit into their face so much before a bullet follows it. I hate that I was discarded so completely by someone I used to hold in such high esteem. Someone I held above all others....its like i never exsisted. never mattered. And to top it off, along with that I lost an entire family of people who i cared for....and they think that it was a good move. That I was the negative influence...the cancer that ended things. Why? because they don't know all the facts. What she hid, what she became, what i walked in on....things she locks away and never looks back on. well good for her...she is loving life. Meanwhile, anything that was good and loving in me is slowly decaying....I can feel my emotions fester, I can feel the cold complacency build. How do you come back from that?

The only thing that feels remotely real now is self destruction. I am fighting it every day and i feel like giving up on it.I see the worry in others' eyes...when they see me care less and less, laugh less, smiles grow more distant, voice loses its cheer, i can see it hurts the ones i care about....but i cant shake things. everything seems hollow, meaningless....I try to fill it with something that can occupy it but it seems that nothing beautiful can stay.
 No happy feelings, no zest for life, no looking towards the future...at this point....nothing.

I used to have things to offer. Joy, laughter, caring, companionship, friendship....an understanding ear, a sympathetic tear, a ready smile, eyes alight with love and hope.

The name started as a kind of joke....something someone told me....something that i think is more true than i would like to acknowledge.

I wonder if i am capable of being happy anymore...I wonder if I am capable of loving anymore. I thought I was....but I don't know anymore.

I think I explained it to a friend the best when I said...

"It's like when you have this vase. A beautiful, treasured vase....that you want to keep and hold forever because it is so precious and so wonderful. But things happen and the vase falls....and shatters. Initially there is shock, you cannot believe that this has actually happened. Then there is the flurry of activity...you can fix it....its not that bad....it can be the same again....it will be okay....but its not. You try and sometimes it even looks like you might actually peice things back together....but it always tumbles in on itself....try as you might you cannot fix it. the vase is gone. all the warmth that it exuded, that feeling of wonder....gone. The moment you realize that it is beyond repair....a despair hits you in a wave, washing over every aspect of yourself. its over....the vase is no more. there is nothing."

I don't know why i am updating this at all....it has been so long and i have (for the most part) switched over to the myspace.

I guess it's because I happened across an old link and ended up back here reading my old ramblings.

Wow.....life was so different then, I am so different. But then again, back in those days I was a naive, totally in love, family man with hopes for a future and a family. Now....I am cynical, bitter, and jaded. Divorce and betrayal tends to change you. Over the course of the past 8 months or so, I have lost a cousin, an old co worker, and a grandparent....god rest their souls, I have gotten divorced, and I have been in  a DUI accident.
It's not all doom and gloom though....I have kept my house (which is under control....i do love my job), I have found that not all women are backstabbing, cheating, lying whores, I have completed my DUI program and found out that I am not invincible (an expensive lesson but one that probably saved my life in the long run), and I have learned that life can go on. I may not be the same wide eyed in love sap that i once was, but I know that I can get through this.

I doubt anyone still checks this out....I doubt anyone will ever read this....but as always, this has been for me.

See you again in a few months.....

Now adays weekends are a bit strange....times have changed and (unfortunatley) so have I. Before weekends were a time to scope out shows, hit classic car swapmeets, drink ourselves stupid, play videogames, cruise the beach, check out comic book shops and tattoo parlors....but now it is different.

We still go out and have ourselves a pint, but the pesky state of adulthood and responsibility has wedged its way into our life. Now weekends are filled with overtime, home improvement, family gatherings and obligations, and more of the like.

every now-and -again I feel the great urge to run away form these petty concerns. Maybe I'll just shang-hai the wife and we will spend a weekend in Santa Barbara or San Diego....alas, not until her busy season is over. well maybe I'll shang-hai her and take her to old town for coffee, second hand book perusal, maybe a walk and perhaps aswap meet....but one day soon....prepare the kidnapping....



(yes I am copying this into MySpace....robert was right, damn laziness)

It is the strange thing about family....they have so much power over us (for good or ill)

I have for the most part removed myself (voluntarily and through geographic location) from my family. I don't talk to them often I don't see them often but I need to change that.

Today i went for a brunch at my uncle's place. My aunt is down from Seattle for the weekend and we decided to get together. When I went i was down...really kind of out of it as i drove....it was just one of those dark clouds of a mood that overtake me at times (i know you've seen them). But after i got there, it was great...i helped prep for the omlettes, I started the fireplace, i played with the kids, we put all of my uncle's gear (firefighter) on my aunt and took pictures and practiced dragging people along the floor, we talked smack about golf, we argued about schools, and we laughed....I haven't had that good of a laugh in awhile.

It really turned my day around...I am happy i went.

do you know what is funny?

a few months ago i was panicking because i did not yet have a job....i was so worried that i hadnt heard back form some museums nor from county.

Now that i am gainfully employed by the city (its not savin' the word but its a job that helps me pay my bills) i have been contacted by several county agencies wanting me to come in.


yeah right....only if you can match my pay.....

hi. miss me?

i know i have been neglecting you...i discovered myspace and have been fooling around abit. I am sorry...i still love you. i could never forget my first.

anyway....i was taking some online quizzes on a lark. behold the results...

You scored as Unipolar Depression. Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets. </td> Unipolar Depression 83% Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder 58% Borderline Personality Disorder 42% Antisocial Personality Disorder 33% Eating Disorders 17% Schizophrenia 0% Which mental disorder do you have? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you want to know hwo you will commit suicide, take a look at your second highest percentage on the bar graphs. </td> Suicide 87% Posion 60% Accident 53% Stabbed 53% Suffocated 47% Cut Throat 47% Bomb 33% Gunshot 33% Disappear 33% Disease 33% Eaten 33% Natural Causes 20% Drowning 20% How Will You Die?? created with QuizFarm.com

..	You scored as Wrath. </td> Wrath 75% Sloth 56% Envy 56% Gluttony 31% Lust 31% Pride 31% Greed 19% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

You kill for revenge.
That is because you have lost something or

someone you held very dear. Now you can't

seem to get over the loss that marked your

soul, and the only solution is to go after

the one person who brought all this pain to

you. Chances are you are angry inside and you

bottle everything up and don't talk to anyone

about it. People may want to help, but you

think that they can never understand your

pain and only get frustrated because of this.

But it is important to see all that you have

left and be thankful of that even if you have

lost something great. It may not be true that

Times heals all wounds, but with time and

talking about your feelings, maybe the hurt

will ease.

Main weapon: Yourself
Quote: "You can close your eyes to

reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw

J. Lec
Facial expression: Gritted teeth and

teary eyes


What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

hmmm....should i worry? maybe. but then again i didnt take the "what kind of happy animal are you?" quiz.....there was no chance of goodness here.

damn!

i just remembered something else....
(i really must think these posts through before hitting "post". not to mention i should post regularly so as not to cram it all in one day)

I saw Terry Prachett today!
Ang and I were sitting down with the paper and some coffee outside a cafe in covina. We had just walked through the farmer's market in old town and were hanging out before grabbing dinner with her parents. I get a call, it's tim"Hey Stephen...guess who is signing his new book in Pasadena?" Ang was very understanding....i dropped her off at her parents (she still had to have dinner) and i jetted on my own....I have never made such good time to pasadena (only a few minor laws were broken).
he is very witty and very british....he is one of my favorite authors within the realms of comedy and satire (and the only one left alive since Adams passed away). I now have around 30 of his books...i enjoy them thoroughly.

crap is that the time?
i should probably be asleep....i have only slept 2 hours and people are coming over today.

screw it....i'll probably read for a bit and then start my day.

oh yeah....something else

My loverly wife has quit her job to pursue the family business....but wont start until Oct.

Thus giving us a little vacation at home! YAY US! This is seriously the first time in probably 3 years that we have been able to spend so much time together. We both had such demanding jobs that some weeks we wouldn't even be able to eat a meal together...but now....much better. Even when we both start work we will be getting off at the same time. this is huge....many of you take such things for granted but some of you know what i am talking about.

Ain't nothing better than spending time with your honey....

well what can i say....

no really, I'm asking you....what can I say?
Well, I am up due to a random fit of insomnia....i have been having more of those of late. I really need to get those under control before i start working.

yes, i said work. I had a tremendously good interview at my mom's work which is with L.A City....she called me the next day and told me that i was in....they were "very impressed with me" she said. I only now wait for Human resources to call me with a start date (i hate waiting) and then i can start. Start what you ask? You are going t love this.....
Materials Testing Technician
....have you stopped laughing yet? I'll wait.....

yes, i will be in a lab. I shall work with various chemicals (if the place ever catches fire i have been told to run and never look back). I shall test soil, pavement and other construction materials. The building i work in has not 1 but 2 radioactive symbols on its fire escape plan. I, too, am surprised by these turn of events. but then again many people don't work in their original field of study. I am actually looking forward to it...every day will be a little different. some days i will be out in the field collecting samples, some days in a lab conducting tests. what cracks me up is that this is (albiet the lowest form and most entry level position for) basically civil engineering. Who, out of all who know me, would have said "that Stephen cat.....yah, he would make a great engineer"?


strange world we live in

So, how are things?

...

good, good....me? oh things are okay. had a nice day yesterday. Saw a ball game...first time i was ever that close to the field...i found myself actually interested in the game. Surpisingly i also knew what was going on and could explain it to those who didn't. went to a comedy show at the ice house...not bad, not bad at all...oh yeah and went to a show at the house of Blues...all in all a good night. So thnigs could not be better.

myep...

couldn't be better...

mmhmmm....

good stuff...

what was that? How is the job hunt going?

TTHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!!

What do you think?
I hate this crap...me needs to work so that Ang could switch jobs and not be crazy, so that house could be paid for, bills be sent out, and food be provided. My loving wife wants me to tke a job that i would like and is what i want to do...it is becoming readily apparent that i may have to take what i could get.

begin the worrying....and the countdown...must have employment by next month.

hi....i am still alive.

i am also currently unemployed.
i am also a little crazy...methinks the break from work has started to affect me. Old paranoia, neurosis, and emotional disturbances within me brain have all come to knock on me noggin.

I need something to occupy me thoughts....yes, occupy me thoughts...

well, life has resumed some aspects of normality...

my darling little wifey has come home, i have slept a healthy amount of hours the past two days and i am once again eating more than just 1/3 of a meal a day.

sorry if i was worrying peoples....all those anxieties that assaulted me head are still there but now i have a partner with whom i can confide in.

hopefully normalality will continue (well, at least as normal as things get round these parts)

well, i am a bit relieved....i got a chance to talk to Ang and that helped. I feel like i did back in school when i had tons of stuff and i needed to hear her voice for my day to be complete. Being married sometimes leads to the taking for granted....i want to recapture what we had....anniversary coming up, plans forming.

the anxiety is still there though....i don't quite know how to ease it. i tried the work, the veg, the games....methinks i should work out. maybe fatigue is the way to defeat the brain.

I just need things to be normal.....this summer has been full of the normal upheaval. normal has left the building.....

well...the anxiety continues....throughout the day and i forsee the night as well.

I made a alist of things to do this week....it is my hope that if i keep busy enough, my brain will not have time to think, and thus will not have time to kill me.

ahhhh!!!

spent too much time typing....must go back to the list. Things to do things to do things to do things to do things to do things to do things to do things to do.....

okay....sitting and typing has helped....wish i had my angel here to talk it over with. i am going to try to get back to sleep...and methinks i will go running when i awaken. maybe that will help my brain.

i actually am having a bit of an anxiety attack. I guess...it's a bit of a new experience. I was laying down trying to get some sleep when my brain was bombarded with thoughts, worries, fears, terrors, and other things that go bump in the adult night.

jobs
trips
futures
children
no children
responsibility
fun
lack of fun
misery
happiness
health
loneliness
and so on...
and so on...
and so on...

my brain was so overwhelmed by the deluge that i could feel heart race....this is not good
What the hell is wrong with me?

hmmmm.... listening to this song makes me think of my far more significant other.

she had me find and download this track for her samoa trip. As the eldest of three daughters, she says it holds a great deal of meaning for her.

So the day before she had to leave i was up....downloading, trying every source possible, so that she could have it. Up till three thirty...the day before an interview.

it was worth it when i say how happy she was to have it. doubly so when i got her email saying how her and her cousins have been listening to the ipod i loaded up.

alas.....i got to get to work, cleaning and work keeps the mind clear of depresing lonely thoughts. at least that is what i hope

hmmm....been in a bit of an eeyore type mood.
don't feel like going out, kinda sad, basically......i feel kinda tthhhbbbbt.

i turned down 3 engagements today. Don't know why...except that i didnt feel like it. been having more of this type of feeling of late. i have to shake this apathy. i have plenty to do and plenty to care about.

grrr...i just got to get to sleep....the world should look better tomorrow

why the hell am i up?

its 2 effen 30!

i have work at 8



thbbbt!!